Thursday, September 25, 2008

Haiku to you!

My terrible two
Hit my head with my own shoe
Is it black and blue?

I quack like a duck
Emma and Gabe say, "Dragon!"
Thanks Backyardigans :-\

Casey is my wife
She gives meaning to my life
And a little strife.

Fingernail polish
Please do not paint the carpet
Thank you Peroxide.

I'm Kung Fu Panda
Gabe thinks he is the bad guy
Headbutt near my thigh...!!!

Gabe is in a dress
Emma and Gabe play princess
I feel lots of stress.

My life is not dull
Two terrorists breaking rules
Vacation needed.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The Greatest Picture Ever Taken

Oreo Cookies
The very thought of them can motivate toddlers to do just about any chore, eat any vegetable, and do almost anything asked of them. Every great business manager finds the just the right knobs to turn to get the desired result in the least amount of time. I have but one knob that turns the terrible twosome...the dynamic duo...the toddler terrorists: Oreos!

One day, after coercive measures motivated Gabe and Emma to finish supper (the thought of Oreos), we started eating Oreos. Now you have to understand that we are Oreo snobs in our family. Don't bring us any of those non-traditional types...we want just the original. Double Stuff is for people who don't know how to get the most out of a cookie. So, we sat there, Gabe, Emma, and myself, with our cups full enough and a spoon each, and we began to eat Oreos. It was a thing of beauty to watch my children drop their cookies in the milk and patiently maneuver the cookie round and round until it was ready. It is not easy to get a toddler to wait for a cookie, but Gabe and Emma just get it. It's all about the texture. So, we patiently move the cookies to and fro, drowning them occasionally in the bottom of glass with a dunk, then it's time.

In our family we don't break up the Oreo...we don't take a bite of it, we don't risk crumbs. It's all or nothing baby! Even when the cookie doesn't quite fit into the hole, you have to have faith, use a little dexterity, and maybe use the free hand to force it through, but it's the whole Oreo at one time.

One night, as we ate Oreos, I noticed Gabe was getting an Oreo mustache. Actually, he was working on a full goatee. It was complete fate as we were not aiding the process at all, just giving him cookies. After he had eaten several...ok, maybe 6, I noticed the goatee had promise.

Now, as you can see, it was filling in nicely, but it wasn't quite there. And as any responsible parent would do, I decide to give Gabe more cookies to see if it would fill in all the way.

So Gabe kept eating Oreos...maybe he was up to 8 or so at this point. I was worried that he was going to get sick I decided to only give him enough to fill in the goatee...then we were done!

After about his 10th cookie, it was done. Sick or not, we had a picture that would transcend any sickness of the day. This was a picture for the ages. Who could blame a father and son seeking to make history if only to risk a little tummy ache on the way. What would have happend if the Wright Brothers would have stopped flying after getting a scraped knee? Pioneering too hard? Why not just stop 10 miles west of Nauvoo and call it good? No way, some things are worth the sacrifice. Some accomplishments are worth risking sickness and health for a higher cause. Gabe and I strangely understood that moment in time. We got it. We were not eating Oreos for the pure pleasure of them anymore...we were eating Oreos for our posterity.

The Greatest Picture Ever Taken!

Friday, April 18, 2008

The Princess and the Primate

It reads like a Hollywood classic. Your mind ventures immediately to an imaginary tale of love, irony, and conflict with stunning princess dresses and flying poop. If this was what flowed through your mind as you read the title, then you are threatening to steal my thunder. Nonetheless, I proceed to fill in the minutia that perhaps you missed in your haste.

Casting can be a challenge for every director, but even given the small group of actors I have available to me in my home, namely Casey, Emma, Gabe, and well, myself, I was still able to find the perfect match of actor to role.

Starring in this imaginary tale of love, irony, and conflict with stunning princess dresses and flying poop are:

Emma Conley, as "The Princess"
Gabriel Conley, as "The Primate"
Daryl Conley, as both "King" and "Zookeeper"
Casey Conley does have a cameo role as “Zoogirl” who is a behind-the-scenes Primate living quarters hygiene professional.

Ok, I have a confession to make before proceeding too much further down this path of deceit. Although I'm writing the blog that explains the's really more of a documentary that intends to capture vividly the lives of the Princess and the Primate as they take place in their native environments. There is no written script, though I'm sure the minds of the subjects are independently filled with vibrant fiction. Ok, back to the Movie!

"Action!" The King, sitting comfortably on his throne is interrupted by a hopeful princess. The Princess is carrying her stunning princess dress as she approaches the kind King. King Daryl looks at the young princess "do you want to wear your stunning princess dress?" The princess replies "I cannot do it." The congenial King descends to the young princess and with some force, puts the stunning princess dress on the young princess.

The young princess traipses off the set happily. "Cut!"

The set changes to the toy room located in an upper wing of the King's castle.

"Action!" The Princess prances around the toy room in oblivion as the Primate enters in a slumbery fashion. King Daryl, sitting upon his comfortable king's chair, watches the drama unfold.

In true primate fashion, the Primate shows no regard for royalty or social order and approaches the benevolent king without the expected pomp that normally accompanies King Daryl. The merciful king takes the Primate into his arms and holds him closely. The Primate, after a short stint on the king's lap decides it is time to do primate things, and descends. Across the land of toys, the Primate sees a young princess in a stunning princess dress. Without hesitation, he rambles in the direction of the Princess.

The Primate says, "OOH OOH AAAH AAH OOH AAAH" and beats his chest in greeting. (Translation: “I need that toy.") The Primate reaches for the toy in the Princess' hand.

The Princess, in fierce response, says "No Primate, that's my toy...WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH WWAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH."

The Primate, in clear disregard for her royalty, steals the toy and runs quickly across the room.

"PRIMATE," bellows the authoritative King. "Come here NOW!" The Primate, though immune to hierarchy in general, looks towards the King, who is also the Zookeeper, and slows. The Primate cautiously moves towards the threatening King Zookeeper and submits himself at the mighty King Daryl's feet.

“Primate – you do not take the Princess’ toy. Do you understand?” The Primate, in a quite tame fashion responds humbly, “ooh aahh, oooh oooh.” (Translation: “yes.”) The decisive King Zookeeper demands action by the Primate, “Give the Princess a hug and say you’re sorry.”

The Primate slowly approaches the Princess and gives the stolen toy back to her, then embraces her begrudgingly and says ,”ahh ahh ahh ooh,” meaning “I’m only doing this to avoid further punishment.” “CUT!”

A few hours later, the Princess sleeps peacefully in her princess bed, still wearing her stunning princess dress. The Primate, peers through the wooden bars of his cage to survey landscape around his quarters. We join the Primate live via a hidden camera to catch the Primate unknowingly in his native habitat.

“Action” The Primate, in obvious dissonance to the King Zookeeper’s commands, remains awake in his cage. Soft music plays softly in the background creating a sleepy ambience, but the Primate seems unfazed by its subtle harmonies. As time passes, the Primate begins to succumb to his natural instincts. As if being spoken to by some wild, innate voice, he knows he must act out his native ritual.

With his Lightning McQueen Pull-up tossed out of the right side of his cage, he begins the ancient tradition. As if moving to the beat of some distant drum, he poops in his cage, with a slight smile edging from the corners of his mouth.

He shouts “OOOH AHHH OOOH OOH OOH AHH OOH AHH” (no translation available) and begins to rhythmically throw the poop across his entire habitat. As he throws the last piece of poop, he proudly surveys his work and smiles in obvious approval.

In his last act of rebellion of the scene, the Primate turns to the left side of his cage and decides to spray his scent, with great pride, soaking the ground cover near his cage.

The Primate has finished the ancient ritual and he once again surveys the landscape to admire his work. With his Pull-up on one side, his poop spread to and fro, and his spray on the other side, his work is complete. The sounds of the innate voices and distantly beating drums soften until he can no longer hear them. The ambience music again sends a sleepy harmony his way. The Primate, weary from his ritual, lays down and succumbs to sleep. “CUT”

The surprised King Zookeeper enters into the primate’s quarters.

“Action” The wise King Zookeeper appraises the damage done and slowly walks out. “Zoogirl – The Primate needs you!” “CUT”

Thursday, March 13, 2008

You Can Blog if You Want To

cha·os –noun
1. a state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization or order.
2. any confused, disorderly mass: a chaos of meaningless phrases.

Emboldened by the Kriloff Klan blog (, I felt coerced by envy to come to terms with my own blogging future. Sure, I may have wanted to blog for my own reasons, but when the heartbeat of America beats you to new technology, it is a wake-up call. Well, I heard the alarm ring loud and clear. Though tempted to hit snooze for a few more months, the competing nature of my technological soul propelled me out of my digital hibernation. It may sound superficial, envious, covetous, but my need to blog runs deeper. I describe it as a yearning, a carnal outcry from a wounded animal to not only run once more with the pack, but to lead the pack into battle.

I think Men Without Hats said it best:

"Ah we can blog if we want to, we can leave your friends behind. Cause your friends don’t blog and if they don’t blog Well they’re are no friends of mine. I say, we can blog where we want to, a place that they will find. And we can act like we blog from out of this world Leave the real one far behind. And we can blog…"

If my animal instincts hadn’t already validated my most intimate need to blog, certainly I could entitle myself to a blogging future thanks to Men Without Hats. They were truly a band with foresight.

You Can Blog if You Want To.